Six Ways to Rediscover Your True Self in the New Year

Have you ever asked, “What about me?”

Are you running around, doing all the things, making sure everyone else has what everyone else wants and needs, and suddenly realize that you don’t have a single thing for yourself?

 

Making yourself a priority is so hard this time of year, but it’s not impossible. In fact, for your friends, family, and coworkers to be happy and joyful...

 

You must be happy and joyful.

 

That simply will never happen if you always come last.

 

You’re probably an absolute dynamo.

I’d make a certain bet that you’re a fireball at work, at home, and when assigned a task. You are a natural born problem solver and action taker. No grass grows under your feet.

 

You receive a lot of energy from being the go-to girl. “If you want something done, ask a busy person,” and all that.

 

And yet, if I asked you what you want for Christmas, you’d have to stop and think.

 

You see, I know you.

 

You were raised to be a good daughter, friend, partner, parent, employee, and boss. You recognize other’s desires, anticipate their needs, and do everything you can to ease their burdens.

 

Which means you take a good look at their burdens and open your arms wider, even though you’re already carrying too much yourself.

 

“Whew!” your friends say, and they gladly hand over their life disasters wrapped in grease-stained paper and tied with raggedy-ass twine that smells like it was drug through a cow pasture.

 

Over time, you’re walking around with everyone else’s issues piled so high on your back and shoulders, weighing down your neck, your arms so overloaded that you can’t even see the direction you’re walking.

 

You’re just trusting your family and coworkers are leading you down the path you want to go—even though you’ve never actually said where you want to go.

 

I know you because I was you.

 

I was the people pleaser, doer, fixer, and whirling dervish that does all the things.

 

Until I went looking for JuJu, my eight-year-old self.  

 

When you’re eight, you’ve made some choices about what you like and don’t like. You’ve made some friends and some frenemies. You’ve followed a few people and refused to follow others. You can tell what’s going to be a good thing and what’s probably going to be bad. You still have faith that you oversee your fate.

 

JuJu had plans, and when I say plans, I mean she was a world-changer. She wasn’t interested in sitting pretty and waiting her turn. She had an agenda.

 

What ever happened to JuJu?

 

And what happened to your eight-year-old self? What were her plans? What was she like? What kinds of things was she standing for and more importantly, what was she standing against?

 

I’ll tell you one thing; she wouldn’t have to stop and think about her Christmas list. She’d have a three-page document with images and links. She’d know exactly what she wanted and the likelihood of receiving it.

 

What happens when you put everyone else first and leave yourself behind?

 

You forget.

You forget what sets your soul on fire.

You forget to ask for things for Christmas.

You forget to say no to carrying other people’s problems.

 

You stop.

You stop taking care of yourself.

You stop consuming what really feeds you.

You stop planning for your future.

 

You lose.

You lose your identity.

You lose your passions.

You lose your confidence to try new things (and even old things).

 

One day, you wake up and realize the time has passed and you haven’t done any of the things you’d always said you wanted to do. Worse yet, you may not even be able to describe what those things are.

 

And then you’re mad.

 

The people around you don’t have any idea of the cyclone that has occurred inside your very body as you realize that your SELF has almost completely disappeared, and that the person everyone else has been dealing with for the past umpteen years is just a paper doll of the true you—a shadow.

 

They were loving the wrong person.

 

It’s not their fault at all, and it’s not yours either.

 

But it will be your fault if you just keep doing what you’ve been doing.

 

I’m not saying you must become a completely different person. I’m not saying you need to give up your family, friends, partner, or job.

 

I’m saying that they will all benefit from you becoming your most authentic self.

 

You know what happens when you don’t have to pretend to enjoy all the things that other people enjoy?

 

You find your own joy.

 

Not through their eyes or their experience.

 

But yours.

 

I remember the first trip I took as adult alone. I flew to Montana. Eight-year-old JuJu had always dreamed of living in Montana.

 

I rented a sweet Airbnb in Boseman. I reserved tables with the exact food and atmosphere I wanted to experience. I woke up when I woke up. I read books. I sat in the courtyard. I went to a bluegrass concert and made hippie friends. I accepted a literary dinner invitation to an old lady writer’s house, and we traded stories we’d written.

 

None of that would’ve happened if I’d been with my loved ones. Not a single part of that story would’ve taken place.

 

What happens when you start doing the things that you want to do?

 

You remember.

You remember things you played when the choice was yours.

You remember the mark you wanted to make on the world.

You remember what you believed before the world knocked you down and had its way with you.

 

You start.

You start to make plans again.

You start trusting yourself.

You start to believe that you really can do anything.

 

You receive.

You receive invitations.

You receive other people’s stories and energy.

You receive true connections because you’re finally showing up as your authentic self.

 

How do your friends and family benefit from you stepping into your natural way of being?

 

They get you.

They get the truth.

They get your values, passions, and purpose, undisguised.

They get you filled with unfettered joy and aliveness.

 

Have you ever been in the presence of someone filled with joy and aliveness?

 

There’s nothing like it.

It’s nearly indescribable.

Expert Tips for Finding Your Self

 

You may be a little afraid of who you really are, but I promise you, it won’t take you long to join the other self-aware and authentic people living with vibrancy and passion for life.

 

1. Choose a Great Memory

 

The first step toward rediscovering what really lights you up is to go back in time to a great memory.

 

Where were you? Describe the setting, the sights and sounds, the smells and tastes, the weather.

 

Who was there? How did they make you feel? What was it about them that enhanced the moment?

 

What were you doing? How did you feel about doing it? What were the reactions of the other people to your actions and behaviors?

 

2. Do Some Investigation

 

Once you have your great memory, dive a little deeper into the details. What character traits were you showing as you enjoyed this day? What personality traits did you need to be the person you were in that story?

 

Ask friends or family members who were there, what you were like back then. (Be careful not to ask them their opinion of the memory. This is your great memory. You don’t want them to taint it.)

 

3. Take Notes and Start Thinking Through Writing

 

While you do your soul archeology, take notes and write down realizations that pop up. You may recall things about your younger self that you’ve long forgotten.

 

Ask questions in writing. Some good questions that might get your memory flowing are:

·  Why did I do that?

·  Why did I not do that?

·  What kind of kid makes that decision?

 

4. Start Creating Your 8-year-old Values and Passions

 

Now that you know what kind of person you were on that day way back when, that very good day, when you were powerful and sure of yourself, you can flesh out some of the things you valued and were passionate about—before you knew you could fail.

 

You see, as we grow up and experience failure, embarrassment, teasing or bullying, we start to protect ourselves from all the things that hurt. We do that by quitting.

 

You want to know who you were before you realized you weren’t necessarily going to get everything easily and without a fight.

 

That’s where the sweet spot of your authentic self lies.

 

Now look around you, Darling.

 

Who can you trust with this new realization?

Who can you talk to about your stubborn and willful eight-year-old self who thought she’d be the director of an orphanage in Africa?

Who can you tell about your dream of dancing ballet in New York City?

Who will listen to you describe your day on a neighbor’s farm when all the horses got loose, and you were the hero bringing back the herd?

 

Be careful whom you trust with this new and fragile discovery. You want this story to grow. You want someone who will sit in awe of your character and personality.

 

5. Gather More Evidence

 

Now that you know a few things, go back to other situations where you felt good and confident. Describe it all, paint the scene, delve into your inner understandings of who you were in the moment.

 

You’re going to come up with four or five truths about yourself before you knew you could fail, before you understood that it wouldn’t be easy to do all that you had planned, and before the adults in your world and society stole your best ideas.

 

It’s a lovely thing to be innocent, but it’s so hard to get back to as an adult without help.

 

6. Practice Your Values and Passions

 

Put that eight-year-old self to work by making some plans to live in those values and passions. You don’t need to take a trip cross country. Start small but live large.

 

Maybe you and JuJu will meet up somewhere, you carrying your newfound confidence like a flag and me standing proud in a Wonder Woman pose wearing a purple cape.

 

“I’ve been waiting for you, Darling. Let’s change the world.”

 

For more info and inspo on the most important person you will ever meet, yourself, check out the E-Booklet, The Self Investment Strategy.

 

 

Julie Stenberg is an award-winning Master Certified Leadership and Life Coach and business strategist. She serves clients through her online programs and in one-to-one coaching.